My life, honestly, stinks. Not because of anything anyone is doing to me, but what I am doing to myself. I've known for years that I have a lazy, apathetic streak in me. It's something that I have to fight daily. The last few weeks, I've barely been hanging on. Part of it does have to deal with my environment of living alone, without people to spur me on to social and mental interaction, but a lot of it is internal. I think I have a touch of depression, though I really don't know why I'm depressed.
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is "Dang, it's morning, I don't want to wake up." I would rather stay asleep and exist in my dreamworld than in reality. Eventually I get up, but I have no motivation. I get to class right on time and participate, yet that's the only highlight of my day. I go home and instead of doing the things I need to do (wash dishes, read homework, and search for a job) I sit around surfing the Internet, watching movies, and then sleep.
Right away I can point out what the problem is: I'm not focusing on God. I am living in a bubble of self and it is extremely hard to break out of that bubble. I come close every once in awhile, but I can't seem to shake this apathy.
I have a friend who wrote this awhile back on her blogger:
That leads me to ask whether I am living, as Abigail puts it, the Wasted Life? My life is supposed to be focused upon God, not upon the pleasure or pity of the moment.
Ah, but don't despair, because I'm not... I may be encumbered by the mud of the moment, but I see light and I know what I have to do to break out of this state I'm in. The first step is to discipline my Internet usage. Next week the school is asking the students to fast and prepare their hearts for Spiritual Growth Conference. I'll probably fast food on one of the days, but I think I need to limit my Internet usage next week to Email and Research. I'll also cut out movies. So starting on Sunday, I won't be online much. If you need to get ahold of me, email or call me.
I think it's time for a rededication of my life.
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is "Dang, it's morning, I don't want to wake up." I would rather stay asleep and exist in my dreamworld than in reality. Eventually I get up, but I have no motivation. I get to class right on time and participate, yet that's the only highlight of my day. I go home and instead of doing the things I need to do (wash dishes, read homework, and search for a job) I sit around surfing the Internet, watching movies, and then sleep.
Right away I can point out what the problem is: I'm not focusing on God. I am living in a bubble of self and it is extremely hard to break out of that bubble. I come close every once in awhile, but I can't seem to shake this apathy.
I have a friend who wrote this awhile back on her blogger:
"I have a choice. Every morning when I rise I have a choice. Will I continue to choose the Wasted Life? Will I allow myself to stumble backward, every backward down the wrong paths, over and over again, choosing to accept lies and live lies and speak lies? Will I guide myself every farther from my Redeemer's waiting hand, and take instead the hands of blind men who willingly drag me down into the mire of wasted time, wasted life?
Or will I discipline myself to seek every waking hour the single Right, Narrow Path for my life. The life that fulfills a purpose higher than any I can personally conceive? The life that brings glory not to Abigail Kinkade, girl of many talents, but to God Almighty, Creator of Everything Good...?"
That leads me to ask whether I am living, as Abigail puts it, the Wasted Life? My life is supposed to be focused upon God, not upon the pleasure or pity of the moment.
Ah, but don't despair, because I'm not... I may be encumbered by the mud of the moment, but I see light and I know what I have to do to break out of this state I'm in. The first step is to discipline my Internet usage. Next week the school is asking the students to fast and prepare their hearts for Spiritual Growth Conference. I'll probably fast food on one of the days, but I think I need to limit my Internet usage next week to Email and Research. I'll also cut out movies. So starting on Sunday, I won't be online much. If you need to get ahold of me, email or call me.
I think it's time for a rededication of my life.
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