Here is the paper I've been working on for marriage and family about communication.
--
Every newly married couple wants to succeed at their marriage. They want to live long lives next to the man or woman of their dreams. But that dream and that desire starts to fade after the honeymoon. No matter how well you know the person you were engaged to, living with them and being married to them is an entirely new experience. That experience can be fraught with problems that could, if not dealt with, destroy a marriage. Gary Collins has five issues that cause marriages to falter: Faulty Communication, Underintegrated or Overintegrated relationships, Interpersonal Tension, External Pressures, and Boredom (410-413). For this paper I’m going to focus on the one that can cause the others to occur: Faulty Communication.
Communication is the basis of interpersonal relationships, and thus of marriage. When we need something, we communicate our need either verbally or in a non-verbal manner. This is how we live and there is no way to get around it. Communication consists of a sender and a receiver. As the conversation progresses, each person takes on both those roles. In a marriage communication is doubly important, because miscommunication can cause hurt feelings and hurt feelings when not communicated and dealt with, fester and cause a lot of serious problems. Communication is the way we deal with those hurt feelings.
Miscommunication
Miscommunication happens when the sender and the receiver are on two different wavelengths. The husband may be tired out from working all day, having used up his amount of words, yet the wife needs to talk about her day and be understood. Yet the husband zones out and doesn’t really listen. This frustrates the wife and either turns into an argument right then or festers in her heart. That’s miscommunication.
Miscommunication or faulty communication can also happen when there are hidden issues (such as unfulfilled expectations) that haven’t been dealt with. An example is when one person has the expectation that Saturdays are to be used for outings, but the other person just wants to relax, maybe work in the garden. That expectation, if not expressed, can lead to faulty communication and arguments.
Faulty communication also occurs because of filtering. Filtering is another problem in communication – hearing something different than what is actually said because of past experiences, expectations and emotions (Markman 51). Filtering can be caused by inattention, Emotional states, beliefs and expectation and differences in style of communication. These all mess with the action of communication and take effort to get past.
Faulty communication is also born out of a selfish desire, a focus on one’s self instead of the other person in the marriage. One becomes wrapped up in one’s self and that makes the partner into a means to an end. As James 4:1-3 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (NIV)
Good Communication
Good communication consists of being able to effectively express what’s happening and actually deal with the problems. It involves actively tuning in as a receiver and as a sender. It requires effort and a commitment to make the marriage work. There are several models that help with good communication. Here are two of them.
Speaker-Listener Model
This model focuses on developing respect for the other person’s viewpoints. The way it works is that the Speaker gets to share about how he/she is feeling about this particular issue while the Listener is periodically paraphrasing what the Speaker said. Then they switch places and repeat the same thing until they both understand where each other is coming from. The point is to maintain a calm and clear way of communication. This model also suggests that you not be in a hurry to solve the problem right away, but take the time to examine and talk about all angles of this problem (Markman 63-72).
Word Picture Model
Gary Smalley and John Trent in their book The Language of Love talked about using word pictures to increase communication. The premise is that there is a way to bridge that gap between men and women, that gap of communication. The way to do that is to build word pictures, emotional word pictures, to describe how one feels. What are word pictures and how do they work? Word pictures are what I usually call analogies, such as: I feel like a smashed toad stretched out on a highway. Smalley and Trent say that using word pictures at the right time and with the right intentions can trigger a deep understanding of issues when mere words don't.
For example, Smalley talked about how he asked his wife to write a chapter in a book he was writing. She kept avoiding writing it and they had some arguments about that. Eventually she used a word picture of her daily life being like a hike up some hills with a twenty pound pack on - something she enjoyed. However, being asked to write this chapter was like being asked to climb those hills and climb the local mountain. That picture allowed her husband to see the pressure that this added to her life and he let her off the hook. Communication had occurred. (Funny thing though, once the pressure was off, she wrote the chapter).
Create an environment for good communication
In Making Love Last Forever, Smalley talks about different levels of communication, from the simple clichés to the deep emotional word pictures. One level or technique is to have a constitution with the “most important things you and your loved ones want out of your relationship every day. It objectifies your feelings and needs, and it sets guidelines for your family…” (147). This technique allows you to sit down state what you want out of the relationship. This sets up something that you both agree on and can point back to in order to solve a problem.
This sets forth a principle of creating an environment that encourages good communication. One of the first things to do in order to have good communication is to make a commitment that both of you are going to make this marriage work no matter what. That gives security to the relationship. Another action is to make a commitment to active listening. One more basic commitment is to agree to respect the other person in the middle of disagreement.
Conclusion
We’ve looked at several ways of keeping communication open in marriage. This is extremely important in order to keep a marriage alive. It’s the vehicle that keeps one from becoming selfish and unappreciative to one’s mate. Communication is work and one should expect to put effort into this, but the rewards are worthwhile. Don’t give up.
Bibliography
__. The Holy Bible: The New International Version. Zondervan : Grand Rapids, MI. 1984
Collins, Gary R. Ph.D. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide. Revised Edition. W Publishing Group. 1988.
Markman, Howard, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. Jossey-Bass : San Francisco. 1994.
Smalley, Gary. Making Love Last Forever. Word : Dallas. 1996. 141-158
Smalley, Gary and John Trent, Ph.D. The Language of Love: How to Quickly Comminicate Your Feelings and Needs. Tyndale : Whaton, IL. 1991
--
Every newly married couple wants to succeed at their marriage. They want to live long lives next to the man or woman of their dreams. But that dream and that desire starts to fade after the honeymoon. No matter how well you know the person you were engaged to, living with them and being married to them is an entirely new experience. That experience can be fraught with problems that could, if not dealt with, destroy a marriage. Gary Collins has five issues that cause marriages to falter: Faulty Communication, Underintegrated or Overintegrated relationships, Interpersonal Tension, External Pressures, and Boredom (410-413). For this paper I’m going to focus on the one that can cause the others to occur: Faulty Communication.
Communication is the basis of interpersonal relationships, and thus of marriage. When we need something, we communicate our need either verbally or in a non-verbal manner. This is how we live and there is no way to get around it. Communication consists of a sender and a receiver. As the conversation progresses, each person takes on both those roles. In a marriage communication is doubly important, because miscommunication can cause hurt feelings and hurt feelings when not communicated and dealt with, fester and cause a lot of serious problems. Communication is the way we deal with those hurt feelings.
Miscommunication
Miscommunication happens when the sender and the receiver are on two different wavelengths. The husband may be tired out from working all day, having used up his amount of words, yet the wife needs to talk about her day and be understood. Yet the husband zones out and doesn’t really listen. This frustrates the wife and either turns into an argument right then or festers in her heart. That’s miscommunication.
Miscommunication or faulty communication can also happen when there are hidden issues (such as unfulfilled expectations) that haven’t been dealt with. An example is when one person has the expectation that Saturdays are to be used for outings, but the other person just wants to relax, maybe work in the garden. That expectation, if not expressed, can lead to faulty communication and arguments.
Faulty communication also occurs because of filtering. Filtering is another problem in communication – hearing something different than what is actually said because of past experiences, expectations and emotions (Markman 51). Filtering can be caused by inattention, Emotional states, beliefs and expectation and differences in style of communication. These all mess with the action of communication and take effort to get past.
Faulty communication is also born out of a selfish desire, a focus on one’s self instead of the other person in the marriage. One becomes wrapped up in one’s self and that makes the partner into a means to an end. As James 4:1-3 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (NIV)
Good Communication
Good communication consists of being able to effectively express what’s happening and actually deal with the problems. It involves actively tuning in as a receiver and as a sender. It requires effort and a commitment to make the marriage work. There are several models that help with good communication. Here are two of them.
Speaker-Listener Model
This model focuses on developing respect for the other person’s viewpoints. The way it works is that the Speaker gets to share about how he/she is feeling about this particular issue while the Listener is periodically paraphrasing what the Speaker said. Then they switch places and repeat the same thing until they both understand where each other is coming from. The point is to maintain a calm and clear way of communication. This model also suggests that you not be in a hurry to solve the problem right away, but take the time to examine and talk about all angles of this problem (Markman 63-72).
Word Picture Model
Gary Smalley and John Trent in their book The Language of Love talked about using word pictures to increase communication. The premise is that there is a way to bridge that gap between men and women, that gap of communication. The way to do that is to build word pictures, emotional word pictures, to describe how one feels. What are word pictures and how do they work? Word pictures are what I usually call analogies, such as: I feel like a smashed toad stretched out on a highway. Smalley and Trent say that using word pictures at the right time and with the right intentions can trigger a deep understanding of issues when mere words don't.
For example, Smalley talked about how he asked his wife to write a chapter in a book he was writing. She kept avoiding writing it and they had some arguments about that. Eventually she used a word picture of her daily life being like a hike up some hills with a twenty pound pack on - something she enjoyed. However, being asked to write this chapter was like being asked to climb those hills and climb the local mountain. That picture allowed her husband to see the pressure that this added to her life and he let her off the hook. Communication had occurred. (Funny thing though, once the pressure was off, she wrote the chapter).
Create an environment for good communication
In Making Love Last Forever, Smalley talks about different levels of communication, from the simple clichés to the deep emotional word pictures. One level or technique is to have a constitution with the “most important things you and your loved ones want out of your relationship every day. It objectifies your feelings and needs, and it sets guidelines for your family…” (147). This technique allows you to sit down state what you want out of the relationship. This sets up something that you both agree on and can point back to in order to solve a problem.
This sets forth a principle of creating an environment that encourages good communication. One of the first things to do in order to have good communication is to make a commitment that both of you are going to make this marriage work no matter what. That gives security to the relationship. Another action is to make a commitment to active listening. One more basic commitment is to agree to respect the other person in the middle of disagreement.
Conclusion
We’ve looked at several ways of keeping communication open in marriage. This is extremely important in order to keep a marriage alive. It’s the vehicle that keeps one from becoming selfish and unappreciative to one’s mate. Communication is work and one should expect to put effort into this, but the rewards are worthwhile. Don’t give up.
Bibliography
__. The Holy Bible: The New International Version. Zondervan : Grand Rapids, MI. 1984
Collins, Gary R. Ph.D. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide. Revised Edition. W Publishing Group. 1988.
Markman, Howard, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. Jossey-Bass : San Francisco. 1994.
Smalley, Gary. Making Love Last Forever. Word : Dallas. 1996. 141-158
Smalley, Gary and John Trent, Ph.D. The Language of Love: How to Quickly Comminicate Your Feelings and Needs. Tyndale : Whaton, IL. 1991
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home