I've been thinking about how to describe my current state of being. Every time I've sat down to write an update, I leave the screen blank because there's so much going on under the surface, that to say I'm doing this and that would be superficial. However I'm going to attempt to put some of this into words. Whether they'll be correct might be another story...
The last couple of months I've been feeling a bit lost. The image of a skiff, caught in a huge storm, comes to mind. I lost my focus, and started trying to bail the water out on my own. Of course, I had only a leaky hat, so it wasn't successful. Recently the storm threatened to capsize my poor little boat. I was trying on my own to stay afloat and suddenly realization struck me. This wasn't my boat. I don't own it and never had. With that realization I stopped bailing and surrendered.
The storm hasn't stopped, but the boat is drying out. The Owner has taken control and is steering me.
The lessons I've been learning the last two or so weeks have been about letting go, realizing the fact that I don't own my self, I have no control. In all of my thinking up to now, I've been planning out my path. I've been saying that I'd be involved in Teen Challenge, that I'd go to Africa, that I'd do this, that I'd do that. Even at points of surrender, I'd keep my hands upon a bit of my self and hold on for all I was worth. That little piece of sin that made me feel good became something that held me back from true surrender and true focus.
What I've realized is something that's basic, yet so tough. Jesus bought my life, covered my sins with His Blood. I belong to Him, not to satan, and not to my self. See, what Paul talks in Romans and in most of his letters, about submitting your self to God and being renewed, begins right there, under the Cross. That moment when I submitted to Him and accepted His love and grace was where my journey began. Because I am His, I don't have to struggle, I don't have to give in to sin. I'm a child of God, bought for a price and sanctified.
It's bringing that self under God's control that we struggle with. The interesting thing is that if we surrender, realize that our efforts are weak and doomed to fail, and turn that rudder over to God, then our struggles will be cut in half. Jesus said that His yoke was easy and His burden light. And it is, especially when we surrender!
What does this do to me and my path and my plans? Well, I turn them over to Him. If He wants me to work with Teen Challenge, He has to direct me. If He wants to send me to Africa, then He'll open the doors. If He wants me to get started on my Masters, than He will let me. I'm training myself to not plan, to daily submit my mind and my thoughts to Him. When I start to day dream and thinkk about the things I want, that's when I stop and say "Lord, this is Your's, take it."
Yeah, I'm still thinking about Teen Challenge and praying about it. Yeah, I'm still praying about Africa, and yes, still thinking and praying about George Fox. And if I'm not certain, I'll take a step and see whether that's the way He wants me to Go. He'll guide me.
Oh, and one of the things that I've found invaluable is to be disciplined in my Bible Reading and journaling. Keeping those thing forefront in my mind keeps me filtering things through Him.
So that's where I've been lately...
The last couple of months I've been feeling a bit lost. The image of a skiff, caught in a huge storm, comes to mind. I lost my focus, and started trying to bail the water out on my own. Of course, I had only a leaky hat, so it wasn't successful. Recently the storm threatened to capsize my poor little boat. I was trying on my own to stay afloat and suddenly realization struck me. This wasn't my boat. I don't own it and never had. With that realization I stopped bailing and surrendered.
The storm hasn't stopped, but the boat is drying out. The Owner has taken control and is steering me.
The lessons I've been learning the last two or so weeks have been about letting go, realizing the fact that I don't own my self, I have no control. In all of my thinking up to now, I've been planning out my path. I've been saying that I'd be involved in Teen Challenge, that I'd go to Africa, that I'd do this, that I'd do that. Even at points of surrender, I'd keep my hands upon a bit of my self and hold on for all I was worth. That little piece of sin that made me feel good became something that held me back from true surrender and true focus.
What I've realized is something that's basic, yet so tough. Jesus bought my life, covered my sins with His Blood. I belong to Him, not to satan, and not to my self. See, what Paul talks in Romans and in most of his letters, about submitting your self to God and being renewed, begins right there, under the Cross. That moment when I submitted to Him and accepted His love and grace was where my journey began. Because I am His, I don't have to struggle, I don't have to give in to sin. I'm a child of God, bought for a price and sanctified.
It's bringing that self under God's control that we struggle with. The interesting thing is that if we surrender, realize that our efforts are weak and doomed to fail, and turn that rudder over to God, then our struggles will be cut in half. Jesus said that His yoke was easy and His burden light. And it is, especially when we surrender!
What does this do to me and my path and my plans? Well, I turn them over to Him. If He wants me to work with Teen Challenge, He has to direct me. If He wants to send me to Africa, then He'll open the doors. If He wants me to get started on my Masters, than He will let me. I'm training myself to not plan, to daily submit my mind and my thoughts to Him. When I start to day dream and thinkk about the things I want, that's when I stop and say "Lord, this is Your's, take it."
Yeah, I'm still thinking about Teen Challenge and praying about it. Yeah, I'm still praying about Africa, and yes, still thinking and praying about George Fox. And if I'm not certain, I'll take a step and see whether that's the way He wants me to Go. He'll guide me.
Oh, and one of the things that I've found invaluable is to be disciplined in my Bible Reading and journaling. Keeping those thing forefront in my mind keeps me filtering things through Him.
So that's where I've been lately...
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