Life is not going the way I want it to. So many things would be different if I was in control. Ah, but there's the rub, I'm not in control. Since I call myself a Christian, since I've submitted myself to God and to live in His will, I can't be in the driver's seat.

I was reading in my journal and at the beginning of this year God told me to surrender. I had an interesting conversation with someone, and I quote what I wrote (hey, that rhymed!):

“He [Jeff] said that I think that my life is my own and that this is a lie. My life isn’t my own and I can’t act like it. God owns me one hundred percent and when I realize this and stop trying to plan my own life, that’s when I’m going to be used. “

That prompted a time of intense surrender, and intense soul-searching. Interestingly, it coincided with a long period of unemployment. During that time, I applied at as many places as possible, including other places besides Eugene, but it was when I totally surrendered that I got a job. If I try to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, knocking on doors until my knuckles bleed, it doesn't work, because it's under my own power. But if, I'm trusting in God, letting Him guide me in my job search, in my life, then that's when things fall into place for Him to be glorified.

During that time I discovered that all my plans, (Teen Challenge, Africa, George Fox, Associate Pastorship, etc.) were changed. He gave me clear direction to stay in Eugene and be a part of my church and my college/career group (Connections). While I stayed on track with Him, I saw Him use me. I saw the people I was around learn and grow and get closer to God. But then I slowly edged my way into the drivers seat. It wasn't intentional, it wasn't really even conscious. That's when things started getting mucked up.

It's only been the last week or so that I've really begun to realize this. I've had those forehead slapping, "Duh!" moments alot this week.

I don't know why, but it has taken crises in my life this year to shake me out of my comfort zone and to show me where my focus needs to be. I wish that it didn't hurt this bad, but God is definitely showing Himself to be in control of my life.

Where do I go from here? That's a very good question. God has something for me, I know. What, I don't know. And that's really the point. Resting in God, letting Him have control of everything. I have to let go of my preconceptions of how my life should look, to let go of all my plans, from relationships to ministry to job situation, all of it belongs to God. Like Jeff said, God owns me 100%, and that's what I have to give Him.

So the pastor side of me is coming out and I urge you to think about this. How much of your life have you given to God? Are you holding onto something? Do you have this grand idea of what your life should like? Are you afraid to let God take you past your preconceptions of what your life should look like? Please, don't be stubborn or lazy like me; take those reins and give them to God. The more you do that, the more God will use you.